keeping up with yesterday, avoiding today

No. 5

"...tomorrow, maybe?" 
to trifle with time is fine.
compelled; must tarry 

so, i'm starting to worry about my chronic procrastination. it's easy to do and perhaps everyone does it at some point or another, but i've eased my way into the upper echelon of procrastination that is borderline frightening. there are some days when i have to put on three or four hats: at the feminist press; as an esl teacher (where i use proper punctuation, i promise); as a grad student with four classes, at schools in two different boroughs no less; as the zine/volunteer person at bluestockings books...and now a bartending job on weekends. i know others have had to deal with an equally hectic workload and have managed to keep on top of things, albeit with a minor relapse or two, but my "To-Do" lists just pile up and collectively spit in my face. they glue my head to my pillow, tie my shoelaces together when i'm not looking. it's thursday; i cross off tuesday's list and start anew, including last tuesday through friday's list of tasks. it's a vicious cycle.


one of my main problems is the internet and other immediate technological distractions. another over-arching problem is why said bits of technology are so appealing to me all of a sudden. i mean, besides the obvious expansiveness of the internet, the 'into-the-rabbit-hole' feeling that i've not quite shaken since i first got a computer, the 'connectedness' that you supposedly feel with people of any time zone... i used to be much more comfortable with a book and a cup of tea. now i can't seem to get through a book unless it's for class and even then i'm not moved to write anything altogether insightful. i try reading on the subway and wind up listening to music for most of the trip. besides the feeling that i'm losing motivation, getting dumber, and not stimulating myself intellectually, there is that of complete and utter dejectedness that i feel after having procrastinated on a project or missed a deadline. they say that procrastination is a lot like masturbation; it feels great at first, until you realise you've just screwed yourself. from here on in, i'm going to try a different approach, or maybe revisit an old flame...i think i'll give that To-Do list another chance this weekend, but along with the basics of a positivist mindset and a nice cup of tea. tomorrow, definitely.