So. this entry is awesome and random. it's about gladys and it's about chapstick. it's the story of my life. first, my friend gladys, is awesome. end of story. sometimes you have the kind of people around you who are flawed enough to let you know that they're human. she's definitely one of those people. but, in her twenty-one years she still has a peace about her... a kind of unforeseeable wisdom in someone so young. and a confidence that is more often than not, rather unsettling. it really brings out the best in me- or at least pacifies the worst. she also has a brilliant sense of humour that calms my pessimistic or even realistic (albeit cynical) outlook on life. she is perfect and i love her. i've admitted i love her and she loves me too but never in a way that's beyond friendship. and that's what makes me love her even more. our friendship is perfect and complimentary- it's one of the best relationships i've had in a long time, but one of the things i've learned- one of the things she's taught me is that you can't always strive for more. an actual relationship with her would certainly ruin what we have.
i hadn't spoken to anyone besides my insane mother for almost a week. that's enough to drive anyone up a wall of angst and anxiety. sure i received a random text or email here and there but all in all it was naught but her and her passive aggression. on thursday i decided i'd had enough and left, much to her chagrin. i arrived home to an empty house (save for that really gross millipede looking thing - ew). i threw my bags down and sat there dejected and miserable and stayed that way for a few hours. later on, who else but gladys decided to check in on me as i hadn't been at work in a few days. it was the best thing that happened to me. she offered to come over after i expressed my misery and i gladly accepted. my elation at her presence really let me know how much i deceive myself and the world. i pretend as though i don't need her or anyone else but she got me away from what could have turned into an all-encompassing pity party/bout of depression. as i think back, she didn't even do anything major while i was here. she shut down all of my self-deprecating humour but as much as i'm sure that helped my self-esteem and ego in the long run, that wasn't it. we went to the 24hr laundromat and as my clothes were on a spin cycle we sat in silence as i watched her play tetris on her bright pink game-boy. she explained as she reached level 24 for the third time in a row (she's an expert!), "i'd rather have the kind of friends that are close enough for me to never have to talk to". i was confused at first but then i understood. if you're lose enough to reach a new level of compassion and understanding, who needs words? you can just sit and "be". sometimes on my own or with acquaintances i feel the need to fill the silence. it's a manifestation of my own insecurities and lack of trust for others. i realise this, but still i ramble. i decided to give it a shot, or rather... i had nothing to say, and i was okay with that. i sat there for a good 15 minutes, chin on her shoulder, watching her win at tetris with that calm, focused approach. that unbridled compassion and confidence. i didn't envy her like i usually would, but i saw someone i could learn from. i sat there in that perfect quiet and silently thanked her for teaching me how to beat a game of tetris against a computer. and life, which is like a computer with a rogue manufacturer.
the random bit? the chapstick incident (so named by gladys), happened about a week ago when i was walking around the city with gladys. we'd just left the old navy and as we crossed the street i took out some chapstick to use. and the exact moment that i took off the top and it slipped through my fingers was the very moment i passed a sewer grate on the corner of the street. the timing was so unfortunately impeccable that the top dropped onto the concrete and bounced several times landing precariously close to the edge of the grate before slowly and mockingly rolling one last time to the bottom of the sewer. it's hard to describe but it was amazing, almost purposeful and artistic how the top bounced within my reach only to tumble out of sight. gladys and i paused before we broke into fits of laughter lasting all the way to the train station. "dude that's like the story of your life!" she wheezed in between breaths of laughter. i agreed, it seemed like it was. i continued to laugh although i really got more pensive about the chapstick top and what it really symbolised. moreover, gladys bought me another chapstick, top included. that's the story of my life. surrounded by the ones i love, even for a few hours at a time, that's what makes it all worth it. i may get uber pessimistic, sardonic and downright anger but i Can count a blessing or two. i can sit in silence and just "be" with a loved one. i can laugh about the mishaps in life as small as the chapstick incident. i know that now, i just have to live it. that, ladies and gentlemen, is how gladys grape taught me how to win at tetris and at life. those awe-filled, wondrous moments of nothingness and silence. and when you can say life is hard, but yes, i have a reason to be alive.
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